Yo, Medea!

Prepping for Tuesday's humanities lecture, I thought I'd pull together another pseudo-script. Today's topic? Medea by Euripides.

Our story begins before the Trojan War. Jason and his Argonauts have returned from Colchis, having stolen the Golden Fleece. He’s also brought back a woman named Medea, the barbarian who helped him win the prize. Initially Jason hoped to claim his rightful place as king of Iolcus, but his uncle Pelias dashed those plans. So Jason and Medea have fled to Corinth. Hoping to secure the backing of Corinthian king Creon, Jason is set to marry a lovely princess, and Medea has become expendable.

Nurse: [Sigh] Gosh I sure am bummed about all the bad stuff that’s going on. You know, how Medea helped Jason win the Golden Fleece, and how Jason’s dumping her for some lame Corinthian girl. Now Medea just sits around crying and sharpening knives. That can’t be good.

Tutor: Hi, Nurse. Just bringing back the kids. Say, did you hear that King Creon’s gonna toss ‘em out of Corinth? Medea too.

Nurse: Won’t somebody think of the children?

Tutor: Oh you poor, poor woman. Wait 'til hear about the Easter Bunny. 

Medea: Hellooo! Still in pain over here!           

Chorus: Come outside. We’ll help you feel better. Maybe we can go for a drive and crank up some Alanis Morissette. Won’t that be nice?

Medea: Whatever. I just know one thing: Being a woman sucks, yo. And being a mom’s no plateful of dates either. Hell, I’d rather go to war than have another kid.

Creon: Hiya, Medea! Sorry to interrupt. Just wanted to make sure you got the news: I'm kicking you out of town today. See, you’re pissed off – and you’re smart. That's a bad combination for a woman. I’m sure you understand.

Medea: Typical. But of course, Mr. Man, you rule this place. I’ll leave. Only, can I have just one more day? I’ve got to pick up the dry-cleaning and call the cable company and pack and, well, you know how busy moving day can be.

Creon: OK, but one more day only. That’s it. Otherwise, I’ll have to kill you. Sorry, but… you know. Oh, and don’t forget to get your deposit from the landlord. Well, gotta go!

Medea [under her breath]: Dude, you are so gonna die.

Jason: Hi, Medea! I was just picking up my lucky underwear and… Oh. Are you still cranky because I left the seat up?

Medea: I’m cranky because you owe me. You owe me, and you're dumping me to marry some local bimbo. So, yes, I'm cranky. Let me list the reasons why I'm cranky.

Jason: Oh, jeez.

Medea: Dude, I helped you get that Golden Fleece. I killed my brother for you! Chopped him right up. Then I got your uncle’s kids to boil their dad. Good ‘ol King Pelias. Turned him into soup. Remember that? Frickin’ Crème de la King! And now you ditch me for some Corinthian? There’s gonna some be consequences and repercussions here!

[Humph...]

Of course, I might be overreacting just a bit. Maybe I need to slow down, catch my breath, and appreciate my options. Yeah. Maybe I can go back to Thessaly, move in with Pelias’s kids, and start over. Fresh start. No. Wait. I killed their dad! See what I’m saying? I left my family to help you. Now I’m living, like, a million miles away from home, with nowhere to go. And it’s all because you, Mister-I-Want-A-New-Wife, are done with me. I’m screwed here, Jason. So, thanks for that...

Man! Why can’t loser guys just have a sign stamped on their foreheads? “Warning, will totally screw you over.”

Jason: Look lady. Hate the game, not the playa. Aphrodite turned you on to me. I had nothing to do with it. Plus, before you start freaking out again, may I just remind you that you’ve got it good here? Back home you were just one more foreigner waiting to be civilized by us Greeks. Now, you’re Medea the Barbarian! You’re famous! Just wait: Two, three months, you’ll have your own talk show or something. How many talk shows they got in your old hometown? How many? None, that’s how many. So quit whining. Oh, and one other thing. I’m doing this for our kids! Think about it. Marrying the king’s daughter: that’s guaranteed coinage. I’m not being selfish. I’m being an entrepreneur! Unlike you women, always complaining about one damn thing or another. “Will totally screw you over…” Y’ever think that it’s your entire gender that’s screwed up?  

Medea: OK, fair enough. But let me ask just one more question. If you were so determined to “help our kids,” if you were thinking with your brain instead of your junk, d’ya think you might have shared your brilliant idea with... your wife?

Jason: Yeah, that’d work. Because you’re being so clearly sane about this whole thing.

Medea: Oh my gods. I want to punch you in the face!

Jason: That’s my little barbarian. Look, I gotta go. Wedding plans and all. So, um... you need money for a cab or something?

Medea: No, I’m fine. Really. Fine. Say, why don’t you see that lovely bride-to-be of yours?

Jason: Sure! [To himself] That went well…

[Suddenly the King of Athens ambles along...]

King Aegeus: [To himself] You ever think that you’ve just been put on earth to move the plot along for other folks' stories? I mean -

[Sees Medea]

Hey Medea! What a lucky break. I’m just passing through, trying to learn how I can get an heir, and for no particular reason I just happen to see you. So what’s up?

Medea: Not much. Getting kicked out of town. Husband doesn’t want me anymore.

King Aegeus: Bummer!

Medea: I know, right? Anyway, maybe if you let me crash with you, I could help that little “heir problem.” You know, with drugs and stuff. Turns out I’m a witch. Sort of a female pharmacist. 

King Aegeus: Cool. You're welcome to stay with me. Well, I'm off. See you in Athens, where you couldn't possibly portend any bad tidings!

Medea: I’ll be right along. Just gotta kill some folks first. First that Corinthian ninny, then my kids. Gonna kill 'em good.

King Aegeus: What?

Medea: Nothing.

Chorus: Um, you think you’re doing the right thing, killing your kids and all?

Medea: Yep, pretty much.

Jason: Aaaand I’m back. Just here to pick up some mood music for the Big Night.

Medea: Jason, my darling, I’m so glad you returned! I feel so bad about our silly squabble. I’ve been thinking it over. You’ve really been quite reasonable about this whole thing. And me, with my womanly passions... Really, I should stand by your marriage bed and cheer you two on. “Go! Go! Go!”... Really, I’m feeling much better now. I’ve got my mind right. By the way, where are those lovely children of ours? Kids! kids! Everything’s gonna be all right.

Jason: Yeah, kids! Mom’s no longer crazy! So you can go with her. I’ll stay here with my new family. But don’t worry. You can visit every summer. As long as I’m not too busy. I mean, you know: starting a new family and all. Busy busy busy!  

Kids: Yippee!

Medea: Isn’t this great?

Jason: Totally! So, what’s with the tears?

Medea: Oh, you know. Women. Hey, I was thinking. Maybe you could keep the kids here? I mean, I’d love to bring them with me, the little dears. But all their stuff is here.

Jason: Well, I’ve gotta ask the little woman. But maybe. We’ll see.

Medea: Goody! In the meantime, I want the kids to bring your blushing bride a present. From me!

[Later….]

Clueless bride: Such a pretty robe and garland. Such a thoughtful gift! You know, I think I’ll keep Medea’s kids, just like she asked. Poor dear. She’s had such a dreadful time of it, being a barbarian and all. I’ll just put this on and – Ow! What’s this potion-looking stuff rubbed into the cloth and wreath? And why is my face on fire?

[Dies in a fire]

[Meanwhile…]

Medea: Kids, kids! I’m so going to miss you! But now you’ve got to die. Except, oh, I can’t. You don’t deserve this. Go back and play.

Kids: Yippee!

Medea: [To herself: “On the other hand…”] Kids! Get back here!

Kids: Yippee!

Medea: Oh kids, I love you so much. I just love your little hands, and I just love your little faces! I could just eat you up. OK, you can go play now.

Kids: Yippee!

Chorus: Kids, right? What a handful.

Messenger: Hey Medea. Um, the bride and her dad are dead. They’re, like, toast.

Medea: Awesome! Thanks for the news. It’s nice to have a friend like you.

Messenger: Yeah, that’s OK. I’ve got enough friends.

Medea: Right. So… how'd they die?

Messenger: Well it was pretty badass. The bride put on the robe you gave her, and her hair caught on fire. Her eyes popped out and everything. And her body melted. OK, so then her dad comes running in. He’s like, “Ahhh! Ahhh!” And he jumps onto the corpse. Just piles right on. Then he dies!

Medea: Neat.

Messenger: Yeah. You're crazy. You know that, right?

[Later….]

Medea’s Kids: Hey Mom, what’s with the sword?

[Later….]

Jason: So Medea's killed our kids. That’s just great. Why-I-Oughta -

[Jason sees Medea]

Hey Medea! I thought I saw you there. Vengeance shall be mine!

Medea: Sucker! I got a chariot, sent by my grandfather, the sun-god Helios. And there’s just enough room for our kids’ corpses. Bye!

Jason: Hey, did you ever think that all those great things you “did” for me, all those times you killed folks - like your brother and my uncle - that maybe you were committing, oh, I dunno, sins? I’m starting to think that maybe you’re not a person at all. Maybe you’re some wild wind of misfortune.

Medea: Yeah? Well you’re some wild wind from someone’s backside. Ah, ya burnt! Next stop, Athens!

[Later…]

Jason: Wow, that sucked. Oh well. I think I’ll take a nap under the Argo’s stern.

[Ship tips over; Jason dies. The end.]

More Pseudo Scripts